Saturday, August 26, 2006

on some days… I’m just not a very good mom

We’ve all had bad days. REALLY REALLY bad days when things were out of control. When everything was so overwhelming, that anything or anyone to cross our path, would be in the line of fire.

Personally I think I need to go through anger management. I get too frustrated too quickly. Maybe its Iman’s terrible two’s that make me want to dig my nails into something. Maybe it’s just that when you’re doing this all day and every day you need a break. Maybe it’s because I need to understand that she’s only 2, not 20. Maybe I just need therapy. Or maybe on some days… I’m just not a very good mom, and I need to accept that.

I know its normal for all moms to be a little crazy… after all, aren’t all kids out there just to wind us up? But when is “a little crazy”, a little too much? Does anyone get those violent Ally McBeal images? And if no one does… I will check in with a psychiatrist today!

But really… How are millions of women out there doing the same job as I am and remaining sane through it all???

I know that I’m not all bad, but there are days like these where I wonder if my anger and frustration will remain with Iman forever. Is she going to have horrible memories of a violent mom? You know how kids grow up but their childhood is over imagined in their heads? Try as hard as I might, I always fear that this one explosion of anger is going to scar my baby for life.

I have tried everything to remain calm. Trying to talk it through with her or just leave the situation alone until I can handle it better. But on a day like today, I feel bad because I’ve let down my daughter, I’ve let down my husband, and I’ve let down myself.

No no, don’t get panicked. I didn’t hit her. I just yelled at her, but not that "raise your voice" kind of yelling. The really bad kind, where you yell from your gut.

And no, I don’t do it often. But the sad truth is that I do it. When things go out of control, one after the other, and I’ve tried to calm myself but found no avail… and then Iman pushes my button one more time… I lose it.

Of course the guilt sets in immediately and then I want to hug her and tell her that I’m sorry. Tell her that I love her and that I feel horrible for being such a bad mom. But you can’t take back that moment. And what makes it worse is the fear in your child’s eyes. Nothing is worth that. And I wish that I could change myself, so I would never put her through that again.

All those parents that read my blog, moms and dads… Please share your “psycho stories”. I would love to know that I’m not the only one.


At 8:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

aww hina..*HUG* the term 'nobody's perfect', nobody's a perfect mom either! honestly...ur a human before a mom don't forget that and obviously there's so much a person can take henna? there are many times when i lose it with my baby but honestly it doesn't mean that i love her any less...and im sure it's the same with you...u r just as good a mom as u were before u shouted ! and i believe that it's all part of the learning process because one of these days the Iman's will learn when it's time to stop pushing that button which will 'finally' make her explode! lol hope that makes sense :)

Umi xx
P.s. u have not let ur hubby down I'm sure, since he must already know what ur like and how much u adore ur child!

At 8:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

correction - which will 'finally' make mummy explode! lol (not themseleves god forbid!)
Umi xx

At 4:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i can so totally identify wid u n honestly i do the same wat u do after yelling at my kid.apologize n a hug.but i guess u just ve to tell ur child again n again that u love him to death n cant do anything widout him.atleast i do that.but again i think toddlers ve the trick to really blow ur lid off.n u ve to get through wid this phase no matter wat.thats y they say parenthood isnt easy;)

At 5:53 AM, Blogger Living Away said...

I can’t give you my opinion as a mother because since I was a teenager I decided not to be one. But I can do as a daughter that I’m!
I do remember how rude my mom was with me when I was a child and that hurts a lot until now!
So, I don’t know if it applies for your case, because my mom never hugged me or said that she loved me! I just have very bad memories.
The hope, if I can say this way, is that I’m 41 now and I don’t remember anything before 5 years old, neither good or bad!
I'm so sure you are a very good mother and things will work out for sure!

At 11:58 AM, Blogger Nicole said...

I could've written this post myself! It's my biggest regret and a constant source of guilt. I flip out and yell at my kids. Sometimes being a mom just leaves me feeling so invaded, so drained, so angry and so frustrated. The yell comes, just like you said, straight from the gut. I have tried all kinds of stuff too, therapy, of course, deep breathing and all that stuff, but I have yet to come up with anything really effective. And I am also haunted by the thought that they'll remember me like that, face contorted and mad. Not loving and nurturing and happy to be their mom. I read an essay in Mothers Who Think about that deep anger, and it was the first time I realized I wasn't the only one who wigged out sometimes. Misery loves company, I suppose. And I am always mystified by those moms who seem so calm and serene all the time. What is their secret and why can't I be like that? Anyway, if you find the pill, let me know, and I'll do the same for you.

At 12:01 PM, Blogger Nicole said...

I should add that I love them fiercly, like you do yours, and we just have to hope that the millions of hugs and kisses and cuddles and I love yous will take away some of the sting of the harshness.

At 3:14 PM, Blogger Hina said...

Thanks all for making me feel a little bit better about being crazy.

It's good to know that I'm not the only mom.

nicole, I think the mothers who are calm and collected ALL the time, are the ones who must put a bullet in their head!! (ha ha, just kidding!!) No really... it's NOT possible to be THAT serene.

PS. Lorraine, where are you?? And why aren't you sharing your crazy bit from raising the child??

At 3:00 AM, Blogger Lorraine said...

Here's a cyber hug all the way from Seattle and the assurance that you are NOT crazy. It does happen. And of course you hate it and feel like a bad mom. But moms are, unfortunately, human. I have had some moments in the last 12 years when I have have yelled at The Child in a voice that is not my own, times when I could actually understand how a parent could harm a child physically. And no, I didn't either. Because in the end, sometimes that's all that distinguishes regular parents from abusers...somehow we are able to maintain at least that tiny bit of self-control to keep from doing something irreparable.

One trick I've learned, which is very effective when I remember to use it, is to lower my voice instead of raising it. Somehow that keeps the blood pressure down and it keeps her from getting out of control (you can't yell at someone who's not yelling at you).

But when you think you've failed all you can do is hug her and tell her you are sorry (but don't tell her you are a bad mom. Because you're not!) She can learn a lot from your willingness to admit when you haven't handled something as well as you wish you had.

And sometimes mommy is the one who needs a time might need to make sure that you are taking time for yourself every day to focus just on Hina, to pray, to get your thoughts in order. And make sure to forgive yourself. Every day is a brand new one. Iman knows you love her because you show it and say it in a thousand ways every day. You can't undo all that with the ocassional bad day.

And thanks for being honest about it! Trust me. You're not insane.


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